Musings

I feel compelled to write a "state of the person" address.

I am moving forward in many areas of my life. My business goals are becoming clear. My fitness goals are in a good place. I am taking care of myself and my life. It feels good to be coming out of the fog.

Mid-workout last night I recognized the inner voice I used to have when I first started this fitness journey. Nothing too specific there. I just was in the present moment. I didn't hear all of the crap I was hearing post CrossFit Shoals and Hi-Temp and No'Ala. Those rationalizations of fear and hate and hurt and shame...all a falling away. It's about me now. Me. Now.

I have a forward momentum. The toughest part has been to work through the feeling of hopelessness when I was confronted with the realities of how far I had gone down. I knew, intellectually, that I needed to scale way back. What I didn't accept was that it was going to take some time to get the train rolling. Now that it is - I need to be aware of the lessons presented over the past few years (SEVEN since I started this blog!!)

Vanity and Ego

This is a trap. Taking care of one's self is on the edge of both vanity and ego. It's also the key to maintaining a forward direction. I craved the attention of others. I was proud. I still am tempted to go there. A facebook post garnering adoration can get me high. It can motivate me, but high is not where I need to be. A look in the mirror appreciating myself can also get me motivated, and high. 

So how do I handle this? I am not going to beat myself up and take no compliments (even from myself). What I must do is get my energy from a more worthwhile place - a place with infinite supply: God. How? I do this by making my goals more pure and sincere. I want to be able to play with my kids. I want my body to better support my brain in using my gifts as a teacher. Just pausing to recognize this gives me a clear motivation. I am truly taking care of me for the right reasons. 

Foisting My Experience

The teacher in me is a math teacher - I'm good at it. When people see me as a fit person, I get the questions and attitudes. "What do you do to stay in shape?" "I bet you were always fit." "Have you tried Advocare?" I used to go into detailed description. I thought I was hoping to help them. I wasn't. I was condescending. I was a know-it-all. I even got into debates about diet. Debates?! Where did this get me? It did nothing but put a negative spin on all of it. I shouldn't want to brag and then EXPECT people to fall about listening to me. 

So how do I handle this? I must make a concerted effort to avoid these conversations and let people believe what they need to - it's not my truck to drive. If they can't find what works for them in this information age, then I got nothing. Loving detachment. 

Competition

This is another slippery slope. Competition is in the same bowl of soup as vanity and ego. I want to improve. I must compete with myself. This is a good thing. It's also called tracking improvement. A friendly competition with someone close to my level can be good as well. I have to be careful with that one. Can get me all into my ego. 

So how do I handle this? I must remain aware of this at all times. The focus is on a quality workout not a competition. Even the competition with myself has to be kept in check. Some days are better than others. 

Goals and Reality

Goals goals goals...I don't know of any fitness system that doesn't have some portion devoted to this idea. I agree with a need for goals. It's the reality part that gets tricky. I am soon to be 50. Can I play professional football next year? No. Can I get stronger? Yes. Will I always be able to get stronger? No. As my body ages, my strength will wan. My ability to do some physical things will diminish over time. 

So how do I handle this? My goals can no longer be focused on constant improvement in physical endeavors. For now, sure - I can get back my 425lb deadlift and beyond. I can get my 5k time back down close to 20 minutes, and so on. These are decent goals, but unless I keep them in the context of a bigger goal - to be the best version of Bradford I can be - they are useless. So, long-term goals must be in the context of reality. I also need to refresh the list regularly.